My Best Friend

                                                 

When I think about what the qualities of a best friend are to me several things come to my mind.  My best friend would be:

• A person who knows me, my positive characteristics as well as the negative ones
• A person who respects me, supports me
• A person who shares my beliefs or respects and supports me in them
• A person who enjoys being with me doing anything, or nothing at all
• A person who laughs with me, listens to me and even cries with me
• A person whom I can tell my deepest secrets to as well as all my dreams
• A person who can be honest with me, even when it hurts

John Gottman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Washington and cofounder and codirector of The Gottman Institute,  states in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,  “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship”…meaning having, “a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.  These couples tend to know each other intimately-they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.  They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.”  

Happy marriages based on this deep friendship doesn’t necessarily mean that there will never be disagreements or that your spouse won’t irritate you at times.  This will happen in the best of relationships.  However, when couples dwell on the positive qualities of their spouse and their relationship, they tend to have, what Gottman states, “positive sediment override”.  They tend to do things everyday for their spouse, thinking of them positively and expressing love and appreciation for them and in so doing are able to work through these disagreements and irritations together in a more healthy way.   Gottman states that when these couples do experience times of discord, they tend to use their secret weapon called a repair attempt.  This is best described as some “ type of action or statement-silly or otherwise-that prevens negativity from escalating out of control.”  For example, making a silly face, sticking out your tongue, or just breaking into a big bear hug.  The key for this to work is for both partners to accept this and engage in this.  

Refering back to my “Best Friend” qualities, I would have to say that my husband is, indeed my best friend.  He posses every one of these qualities.  I must admit that when I read Gottman’s description of happily married couples it didn’t surprise me in the slightest.  Recently we have been reminded by our church leaders that marriage is much more than just love.  It is being best friends through thick and thin, helpmeets, and  covenant eternal companions.