Knowledge is Strength: Love Maps

I have been married for 28+ years now.  In the beginning life was pretty blissful.  We were young, in love and starting to make our way in the world.  I had married the man that was perfect in my eyes.  He had every quality I wanted in a husband and I felt so blessed.  He felt the same toward me.  Life was perfect.

            After six months or so, it became apparent that we were two very imperfect beings.   When you live with someone 24/7 you realize things that you never had before; little habits, little quirks, lots of little things that, if we let it, became big things.  We quickly figured out that we had to really face these things head on before we let them fester.  So what has been our remedy?  Besides patience?  Sharing with each other our desires, hopes, worries and dreams; helping each other understand who we truly are and what is going on in our loves.  John Gottman calls this creating “love maps”. He says that when we truly know each other it gives our marriage the strength that it needs, especially in times of stress and conflict.

             Sometimes one of us will keep our worries, and stresses bottled up inside.  When this happens, the tension it causes in our marriage can be difficult.  The other one has no idea how to help or support the other and is left guessing.  Most of the time this happens, the guess is wrong and things get really tense.  For example, it has been two years now since my husband had a job change within the same company.  When this has happened in the past it has taken about 6 months for my husband to really feel that he understands his new responsibilities and to feel comfortable in his new role.  During these months he works extra long hours and is weighed down pretty heavily.  As a result things are a bit stressful.  When he received this new responsibility we knew what it entailed and we braced ourselves.  However, it has been two years now and he is still trying to understand his new role and responsibilities.  For a long time he kept everything locked inside of him, his fears, his concerns, the demands placed upon him, etc.  I had no idea what was happening in his life except for the way it was manifesting itself through his exhaustion, stress, etc. I didn't know really how best to support him or even what specifically to pray for on his behalf.  This really caused a lot of tension between us.  After explaining to him that I really need to know what is going on and why, he finally opened up.  Since that time the stress of his job hasn't decreased, but the tension between us has, tremendously.  We have become more aware of each other's lives right now and are able to weather this storm more effectively together.  Our marriage has actually strengthened because of this.  And we both recognize why.