Keeping the Romance Alive

When it comes to romance, most of us picture sunsets on the beach, exotic getaways, nights of dining and dancing  and gazing into each others eyes.  Oh sure, those all can be very romantic, but let’s face it, romance like that doesn’t happen every day.  So what does everyday romance look like?  Have you ever thought about it?  I have.

This week I have been reminded just how romantic my husband is and how much romance there really is in our marriage every day.  John Gottman, PH.D and author of the book “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work” states that “real-life romance is fueled by a far more humbdrum approach to staying connected.”  So what does that mean?  Romance is in the little things we do for each other or with each other everyday.

Romance is when my husband texts me in the middle of the day just to see how my day is going.  Romance is greeting my husband with a hug after a long day at work.  Romance is when my husband listens to me as I tell him about how my Primary class went.  Romance is grocery shopping together or folding laundry or even doing the dishes together.  Romance can be a brief walk to the mailbox or  simply sitting together and watching a movie.  Romance is turning toward our spouse.  Gottman further states that “Turning toward (our spouse) is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life.”  And doesn’t that make complete sense?  When we turn toward our husband/wife we are, in essence, telling them that they are the most important person in our lives and that they matter a great deal to us.  We forget ourselves and concentrate on them, if only for that brief moment. 

  After moving into our new home we needed to get a tv stand, so my husband and I went and found a less expensive one that had to be assembled together.  We brought it home thinking that it would only take an hour tops.  Well we soon found out that this was not the case!  However, in those hours of working together we laughed more, talked more and both realized again why we fell in love with each other in the first place.  We just love being together!

We have had our romantic getaways, and have enjoyed many sunsets on the beach, but the romance in our marriage is truly through the everyday, humdrum things that we do for each other and together.

Knowledge is Strength: Love Maps

I have been married for 28+ years now.  In the beginning life was pretty blissful.  We were young, in love and starting to make our way in the world.  I had married the man that was perfect in my eyes.  He had every quality I wanted in a husband and I felt so blessed.  He felt the same toward me.  Life was perfect.

            After six months or so, it became apparent that we were two very imperfect beings.   When you live with someone 24/7 you realize things that you never had before; little habits, little quirks, lots of little things that, if we let it, became big things.  We quickly figured out that we had to really face these things head on before we let them fester.  So what has been our remedy?  Besides patience?  Sharing with each other our desires, hopes, worries and dreams; helping each other understand who we truly are and what is going on in our loves.  John Gottman calls this creating “love maps”. He says that when we truly know each other it gives our marriage the strength that it needs, especially in times of stress and conflict.

             Sometimes one of us will keep our worries, and stresses bottled up inside.  When this happens, the tension it causes in our marriage can be difficult.  The other one has no idea how to help or support the other and is left guessing.  Most of the time this happens, the guess is wrong and things get really tense.  For example, it has been two years now since my husband had a job change within the same company.  When this has happened in the past it has taken about 6 months for my husband to really feel that he understands his new responsibilities and to feel comfortable in his new role.  During these months he works extra long hours and is weighed down pretty heavily.  As a result things are a bit stressful.  When he received this new responsibility we knew what it entailed and we braced ourselves.  However, it has been two years now and he is still trying to understand his new role and responsibilities.  For a long time he kept everything locked inside of him, his fears, his concerns, the demands placed upon him, etc.  I had no idea what was happening in his life except for the way it was manifesting itself through his exhaustion, stress, etc. I didn't know really how best to support him or even what specifically to pray for on his behalf.  This really caused a lot of tension between us.  After explaining to him that I really need to know what is going on and why, he finally opened up.  Since that time the stress of his job hasn't decreased, but the tension between us has, tremendously.  We have become more aware of each other's lives right now and are able to weather this storm more effectively together.  Our marriage has actually strengthened because of this.  And we both recognize why.  

            

My Best Friend

                                                 

When I think about what the qualities of a best friend are to me several things come to my mind.  My best friend would be:

• A person who knows me, my positive characteristics as well as the negative ones
• A person who respects me, supports me
• A person who shares my beliefs or respects and supports me in them
• A person who enjoys being with me doing anything, or nothing at all
• A person who laughs with me, listens to me and even cries with me
• A person whom I can tell my deepest secrets to as well as all my dreams
• A person who can be honest with me, even when it hurts

John Gottman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Washington and cofounder and codirector of The Gottman Institute,  states in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,  “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship”…meaning having, “a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.  These couples tend to know each other intimately-they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.  They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.”  

Happy marriages based on this deep friendship doesn’t necessarily mean that there will never be disagreements or that your spouse won’t irritate you at times.  This will happen in the best of relationships.  However, when couples dwell on the positive qualities of their spouse and their relationship, they tend to have, what Gottman states, “positive sediment override”.  They tend to do things everyday for their spouse, thinking of them positively and expressing love and appreciation for them and in so doing are able to work through these disagreements and irritations together in a more healthy way.   Gottman states that when these couples do experience times of discord, they tend to use their secret weapon called a repair attempt.  This is best described as some “ type of action or statement-silly or otherwise-that prevens negativity from escalating out of control.”  For example, making a silly face, sticking out your tongue, or just breaking into a big bear hug.  The key for this to work is for both partners to accept this and engage in this.  

Refering back to my “Best Friend” qualities, I would have to say that my husband is, indeed my best friend.  He posses every one of these qualities.  I must admit that when I read Gottman’s description of happily married couples it didn’t surprise me in the slightest.  Recently we have been reminded by our church leaders that marriage is much more than just love.  It is being best friends through thick and thin, helpmeets, and  covenant eternal companions.

What Am I Doing To Be A Better Wife?

           One of my favorite people to listen to is Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  He has a way of saying just what I need to hear.  I have read one of the talks he gave in June 2006 Entitled, “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan”.  (“His” meaning God’s plan).  He poses the question for us to ask ourselves, “What am I doing to become a better husband or wife…?” ¹ That has made me stop and evaluate myself as a wife.  What am I doing to be a better wife to my husband?  Am I consciously making an effort each day to give my husband my best self?  Are there things that I need to improve upon? 

     Elder Bednar cautions us to be “especially vigilant in seeking personal inspiration as to how we can protect and safeguard our own marriages.” ¹ How am I safeguarding and protecting my marriage?  It is so easy to get into a day-to-day routine that becomes so mundane that I sometimes take my marriage for granted.  I know that this pleases the adversary (Satan) because he doesn’t want my marriage to be a happy, strong one.  He wants me to be miserable like he is.

     Elder Bruce C. Hafen once stated that a contractual marriage is a 50%-50% relationship, where a couples tend to look out for themselves more and run when trouble hits.  By contrast, a couple in a covenant marriage (a marriage where the couple makes covenants with the Lord as well as with each other), have a 100%-100% relationship, knowing that when trouble or trials come, as they always will, they will work side by side with each other and with the Lord to get through.  ² This is the marriage I am striving for.

     So what am I doing to achieve this?  I firmly believe that strong, covenant marriages happen when we take the time to make our spouses feel that they are loved, unconditionally, and are supported, especially in times of stress and pain.  One of my classmates shared with us that each evening when her husband comes home, she stops what she is doing and greets him with a hug and kiss, always asking about his day and truly listening.  This seems like such a small thing, but I have tried to implement this better and I can honestly say it has truly made a difference in my marriage. 

     Another thing that I have been working on is not complaining, but rather being as positive as I can about my worries, his demanding job and calling in church, and just life in general.   Even the weather!  This is the time of year where the temperatures of 100+ days are getting really old, and I usually do a lot of complaining, wondering why we live here in AZ.  I have really tried hard to not complain this year, but rather be grateful that we live in a place that is beautiful in the evenings and not buried in snow; A place that has offered steady employment for my husband and great place to raise a family in the gospel.

     Making time for my husband and I to spend together, completely focused on each other is another way I know will help safeguard and protect our marriage.  It is much too easy to get to the end of the week and just collapse in front of the T.V.  I have found that, again, it is in the small ways we spend time together that draw us closer to one another.  Taking an evening walk and talking, preparing a meal together, even just running errands can be fun.  Sometime collapsing at the end of a particularly hard week is okay, but we can collapse into each other’s arms first, and reassure each other of our love. 

     Making sure that I am doing what I can to “come unto Christ” and striving to become “perfected in Him” (Moroni 10:32) is a critically thing that I can do to become a better wife.  When I am in line with what the Savior has taught and am striving each day to follow His teachings, I know that my heart will be full of love for all those around me, especially my husband.

     I know that I need to improve.  I want to improve as a wife.  I love my husband and our marriage, and I will strive to be ever vigilant in protecting and strengthening my marriage.

1.  Bednar, David A. “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan.”

2.   Bruce C. Hafen, "Covenant Marriage"

What about the Children?

Over the summer I had the opportunity to attend Philmont Scout Training with my husband.  There we were taught and trained by the General YM presidency and the General Primary Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Prior to this the Supreme Court had made the decision to legalize same-sex marriage.  I will not forget how I felt when Sister Rosemary Wixom (General Primary President) stated that the children in this country have been forgotten and they no longer have many rights at all.  This sent a chill right through me.  How can a nation disregard the rights of our children who will, one day, be our future?

There are those in society that have applauded the legalization of same-sex marriage.  They feel that finally those in same gender relationships will be able to enjoy all the benefits of a heterosexual married couple.  But will they really?  Maybe from an economic standpoint, as far as government benefits go, but what about the most significant role of marriage: the creation of children? 

In The Family: A Proclamation To The World it says,  “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” In the article, The Divine Institution of Marriage, it states that children need both a father and a mother. Each has different qualities and strengths that are “of enormous importance to a child’s overall development…Traditional marriage provides the most solid and well-established social identity for children. It increases the likelihood that they will be able to form a clear gender identity, with sexuality closely linked to both love and procreation

In his article, THE ATTACK ON MARRIAGE AS THE UNION

OF A MAN AND A WOMAN by Lynn D. Wardle, he points out  “marriage links not only men with women, but parents with children. Legalizing same-sex marriage obscures that linkage, weakens the message connecting marriage with spousal and parental responsibility, and guarantees that children will be deprived of an extremely

valuable and protective relationship with their father or their mother.”  In her letter to Justice Kennedy, Katy Faust (a child raised in a same-sex headed household, who opposes the legalization of same-sex marriage) says this “When a child is placed in a same-sex-headed household, she will miss out on at least one critical parental relationship and a vital dual-gender influence.”  And Wardle goes on to say, “Every child deserves to be raised by his or her mother and father. While unwed birth and divorce impair that right for some children of conjugal unions, same-sex marriage guarantees that all children who are born during or raised in such unions will be deprived totally of this fundamental moral right.”

The children of today need all of us to stand up for their rights; rights that can best be achieved within the bonds of marriage between a man and a woman.  In his book Standing for Something, the President of the Church of

Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Gordon B. Hinckley, expressed it well when he wrote, “We go to great lengths to preserve historical buildings and sites in our cities. We need to apply the same fervor to preserving the most ancient and sacred of institutions – the family!”   This is exactly what our children need. 

Faust, K. http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/02/14370/?utm_source=The+Witherspoon+Institute&utm_campaign=782782f4d4-RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_15ce6af37b-782782f4d4-84114781

Hinckley, G.B.(2000). , The Family, We Can Save Our Nation by Saving Our Homes,

in STANDING FOR SOMETHING 143, 145

The Divine Institution of Marriage. http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/the-divine-institution-of-marriage

Wardle, L.D. (2008). The attack on marriage as the union of a man and a woman. North Dakota Law Review, 83 (June 2008).