Creating Healthy Family Ties

One of the best thing my husband and I did after we were married was to move away from both families.  Fortunately for us, my husband was finishing his degree which forced us to moved to another state.  This gave us a chance to establish our own marriage and couple identity right away, as well as establish our own traditions.  I will admit that my first Christmas spent away from my family of origin was very different and I remember crying as I talked to my younger sister that day as she stated, "It just wasn't the same without you."  However, spending Christmas with just my husband was so much fun and quite the learning experience. We had our own table top tree that we decorated with homemade ornaments (that we still hang every year) that we made together , a few lights and a few decorations.  We baked some favorite treats and just enjoyed sharing this holiday together, without anyone else. It was also at this time that we both learned about each other's implicit"family rules" from the families we grew up in.  I came from a very middle-class family that believed Christmas was a time of magic and gifts were not always practical, but things that we wouldn't normally get throughout the year.  Our stockings were, what I referred to as, the creme de la creme.  My husband came from another very middle-class family where his father made all the income in the first four months of the year and his mother made it stretch to the end of the year.  Christmas was, for the most part, not that big of a deal, and VERY practical.  In fact, stockings contained things like deordarant, socks, toothpaste, toothbrush and an orange. We still get a chuckle when we think of our first Christmas together and the gifts we gave.  I purchased a new, up to date coat for him (his old one was just fine, but I felt he "needed" a newer one), a stuffed teddy bear, some fun toys, and some tools (okay, a little practical, but they were his tools, not his dad's).  He purchased for me hair clippers so that I could cut his hair, a rolling pin, and other very practical and everyday things.  I think I did get some perfume, though.  Needless to say, it was fun to celebrate together, but very enlightening as well, making for some great conversation and learning. 

In Genesis 2:24 it states, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."  Cleaving means that we remain attached, devoted, and faithful to one another.  When married couples are to establish their relationship first and foremost, confiding and sharing only with one another, keeping it "inside the fence".  Only in extreme cases of abuse should this be broken.  By cleaving to each other, a marriage will grow in trust, confidence and stability while love is constantly growing.  It is extremely important for a couple to establish their own identity and traditions, deciding early on how to incorporate spending time with extended family, knowing that becoming enmeshed (having to spend all their time with) with their families of origin is not healthy for their own relationship.  Holiday traditions and special occasions can cause a bit of a quandary for newly married couples in deciding how and who (which family) they will spend time with.  It is imperative that couples establish their own traditions and identity in this regard from the start.  It is also extremely important that both sets of in-laws be supportive in this issue.  Elder Marvin J. Ashton has stated, “Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families realize their family role still continues, not in the realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or of imposition, but in love, concern and encouragement.” When parents are supportive of their newly married children, and demonstrate love and respect for their decisions, especially when it comes to spending time with their family of origin, often their children will feel this and, as a result, will most likely enjoy spending the time they have chosen with their parents and families.

I am now at this stage in my life.  I have one married daughter, a son-in-law and two grandchildren.  They started out living close until my son-in-law graduated, and now they live 15 hours away.  Although at times I am very sad to be so far, I am also so excited for them to be able to establish their own couple/family identity.  I know how important this is and because I, myself, have had great parents and in-laws that understood this principle so well. 

“Strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them.”  ¹  I know that this is a true principle. 

1.    Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Separate But Equal

The Family: A Proclamation to the World clearly defines marriage and the roles of men and women, husband and wife.  “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.  Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.  In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”  The Lord has made it quite clear that husbands and wives are equally important in the roles that are theirs.  “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 11:11).

  In his book,” Counseling with our Councils,” Elder M. Russell Ballard pointed out that "Most of what men and women must do to qualify for an exalted family life together is based on shared responsibilities and objectives.  Many of the requirements are exactly the same for men and women." (Such as obedience to the laws of God, requirements for entrance into the temple, and, through temple covenants are "clothed with power", praying with the ability to obtain personal revelation for their own spiritual benefit).  To me he is emphasizing the fact that, although men and women are different, we are equal to God in our importance and in the specific and separate roles we hold.  Husband and wife create a "divinely sanctioned partnership" by "work[ing] together, each bringing his or her unique contribution to the family...By appointing different accountabilities to men and women, Heavenly Father provides the greatest opportunity for growth, service and progress."  This is the Lord's plan, the Lord's way and as Elder Ballard further states, "the only thing that matters is whether or not we choose to accept the doctrine of the Priesthood and abide by its precepts.  It is an issue of faith-nothing more, nothing less." 

Sacred Intimacy

Elder Holland has stated, “Human intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of God for a married couple, deals with a symbol that demands special sanctity…a symbol of total union: union of  their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. “1  To the world, intimacy is nothing more than sexual pleasure that fulfills one’s own need.  But  with  God it is a sacred power that encompasses this total union as Elder Holland describes.

In the beginning of time, Adam and Eve were commanded by God to cleave (join) unto each other and become one.² In a very real and sacred way, our Heavenly Father was commanding them to share in the gift of intimacy as a married couple.  Elder Holland states that ,”In this ultimate physical expression of one man and one woman, they are as nearly and as literally one as two separate physical bodies can ever be.  It is in that act of ultimate physical intimacy that we most nearly fulfill the commandment of the Lord given to Adam and Eve, living symbols for all married couples, when He invited them to cleave unto one another only, and thus become “one flesh”.³

One of the main reasons for God to implant these feelings in us, of course, is His commandment to have children and become partners with Him in bringing down those spirit children to the earth in order for them to gain a body and experience this life on the earth.  Many outside of the church believe that we, as members of the church, think that this is the only reason and time we share intimacy with our spouses.  This couldn’t be further from the truth. 

I love what Elder Parely P. Pratt said so long ago, “Our natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very main-springs of life and happiness-they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society-they are the essence of charity, or love…There is not a more pure and holy principle in existence than the affection which glows in the bosom of a virtuous man for his companion…The fact is, God made man, male and female; he planted in their bosoms those affections which are calculated to promote their happiness and union.” ⁴

President Spencer W. Kimball 12^th president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, “It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units.  In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved.  There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in the expression of love.”⁵   He further states that “marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive.  This is within the reach of every couple, every person.” ⁶

Sacred human intimacy is divine and a great blessing to those within the bound of marriage.  It is the ultimate expression of love, commitment and unity. 

1.  Holland, Jeffrey R. (2001).  Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments. Salt Lake City, Utah.    Deseret Book

2.  Genesis 2:24

3.  Holland, J. R. (2001).  Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments. Salt Lake City, Utah.    Deseret Book

4.  Pratt. P.P.  Writings of Parley Parker Pratt, 52-53

5.  Kimball, S.W. (2002 Oct) Oneness in Marriage Ensign

6.  Kimball, S.W. (2002 Oct) Oneness in Marriage Ensign

An Attitude of Gratitude

President Thomas S. Monson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has counseled us that we must always have an attitude of gratitude.  When we take this to heart, suddenly a change for the better comes over us and we see everything and everyone around us in a very different and positive light.

The world is not perfect, far from and neither are any of us the live on it.  In marriage two imperfect people come together in order to create a marriage as close to perfection as possible. How can this be done?  It all starts with each person and their attitude toward each other.  Are we going to focus on not only our imperfections but our spouses as well?  Are we going to dwell on what we don’t have or what is missing in our lives?  Are we going to criticize each other and get easily frustrated?  Well, the choice is yours.  We can choose to do all these things and be absolutely miserable.  Or we can choose to love and have an attitude of gratitude! 

I love the quote “Choose your love.  Love your choice”.  Showing gratitude toward our spouse is one of the best ways to love them.  Think about what attracted you to him or her in the first place.  Didn’t you only see the positive qualities he/she possessed? 

So how do we implement an attitude of gratitude, especially when it comes to our marriages?  Gottman challenges us to focus on our tendency to be negative and change that by noticing all the little things in our lives and search for things to praise and utter words of thanks.  He states that this will help us overcome our negative feelings.  Along with this we should give at least one heartfelt praise to our husband each day for a week, then extend that to others in our family.  Notice their positive qualities, express appreciation and enjoy them.  The most important thing to do is to ignore their shortcomings. 

I am ready for this challenge and am looking forward to the change I will experience in my own heart.  Are you ready for the challenge?

            

A Consecrated Marriage

What does it mean to have a consecrated marriage?  The word consecrate means that we give everything for a holy or sacred purpose.  When it comes to marriage it means that we are willing to give our spouse our best efforts and complete forgiveness every day.  Each spouse comes into their marriage with their own personalities and quirks.  Being willing to look past those little annoyances, and appreciating our spouse for who he is can help us develop a consecrated marriage.

Kent Brooks of the BYU faculty of Church History and Doctrine says this:

“Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment and tests of our patience and love for our partners.”  It is having a Christ like love.

In my own marriage my husband has been such a great example of this.  I have many faults that he has chosen to look past.  Through the little things he does for me every day I have no doubt of his deep love for me.  His ability to give, and give even more, especially during the times of extreme stress astounds me. His willingness to forgive me every single day only deepens my desire to do the same for him.   As he does this for me, I strive to do the same for him. 

H. Wallace Goddard asks these questions:

1.     Do (I) bring (my) greatest generosity and richest forgiving to (my) marriage?

2.     Do (I) offer my whole soul and (my) best efforts as an offering?

He goes on to say  “those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories.  They are building an eternal relationship on brick at a time.”

The Enemy of our Marriages: Pride

One of the worst things that can creep into a marriage is pride.  Unfortunately, as human beings, we tend to see the faults in others first before ever admitting to our own faults.  This is nothing more than pride.  President Ezra Taft Benson, thirteenth President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said in his talk “Beware of Pride”,  “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted to ourselves.” 

So what exactly is pride?  President Benson tells us that pride is more than self-centerednes, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance our haughtiness.  He states that “the central feature of pride is enmity-enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellow men.  Enmity means hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition, and is essentially competitive by nature.

I have never thought of pride as enmity toward God and fellow men.  This is such a serious sin and weakness.  According to President Benson “pride is the universal sin, the great vice. 

When pride creeps into our marriages it can have devastating effects if left unchecked and unrepentant of .  In Proverbs 16:18 we read “Pride goeth before destruction.”  Unfortunately a marriage can be destroyed due to pride. 

So what does pride look like in a marriage?  Let me as you these questions first.  Have you ever caught yourself wanting to change something in your spouse?  Have you ever been irritated with your spouse?   Do you and your spouse compete to see you is right in a disagreement?  Do you ever give your spouse the cold shoulder when he/she offends you in any way?  Are you slow to forgive your spouse?  Do you hold grudges against your spouse?  If you answer yes to any of these than there is pride within your marriage.  H. Wallace Goddard, PhD. says, “any time we feel irritated with our spouse, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent.  We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.” 

President Benson tells us that the antidote for pride is humility-meekness, submissiveness, a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  Becoming humble is a choice we need to consciously make.  When we are humble we fill ourselves with the love of Christ.  Goddard states, “while the natural man is inclined to think that the problem is our partner, the man of Christ knows that the irritation is probably the result of some faulty thinking-some troublesome assumption and expectation nested in our unconscious.”  Thus when we truly love someone, truly make the choice to love them fully, we will “recognize that a person is beautiful because we choose to love her or him”  and their little quirks will never bother us.

1.    Goddard, H.W.  Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.  Chapter 4: "Humility & Repentance

2.  President Ezra T. Benson, "Beware of Pride," Ensign, May 1989, 4-7.  

Keeping the Romance Alive

When it comes to romance, most of us picture sunsets on the beach, exotic getaways, nights of dining and dancing  and gazing into each others eyes.  Oh sure, those all can be very romantic, but let’s face it, romance like that doesn’t happen every day.  So what does everyday romance look like?  Have you ever thought about it?  I have.

This week I have been reminded just how romantic my husband is and how much romance there really is in our marriage every day.  John Gottman, PH.D and author of the book “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work” states that “real-life romance is fueled by a far more humbdrum approach to staying connected.”  So what does that mean?  Romance is in the little things we do for each other or with each other everyday.

Romance is when my husband texts me in the middle of the day just to see how my day is going.  Romance is greeting my husband with a hug after a long day at work.  Romance is when my husband listens to me as I tell him about how my Primary class went.  Romance is grocery shopping together or folding laundry or even doing the dishes together.  Romance can be a brief walk to the mailbox or  simply sitting together and watching a movie.  Romance is turning toward our spouse.  Gottman further states that “Turning toward (our spouse) is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life.”  And doesn’t that make complete sense?  When we turn toward our husband/wife we are, in essence, telling them that they are the most important person in our lives and that they matter a great deal to us.  We forget ourselves and concentrate on them, if only for that brief moment. 

  After moving into our new home we needed to get a tv stand, so my husband and I went and found a less expensive one that had to be assembled together.  We brought it home thinking that it would only take an hour tops.  Well we soon found out that this was not the case!  However, in those hours of working together we laughed more, talked more and both realized again why we fell in love with each other in the first place.  We just love being together!

We have had our romantic getaways, and have enjoyed many sunsets on the beach, but the romance in our marriage is truly through the everyday, humdrum things that we do for each other and together.