Creating Healthy Family Ties

One of the best thing my husband and I did after we were married was to move away from both families.  Fortunately for us, my husband was finishing his degree which forced us to moved to another state.  This gave us a chance to establish our own marriage and couple identity right away, as well as establish our own traditions.  I will admit that my first Christmas spent away from my family of origin was very different and I remember crying as I talked to my younger sister that day as she stated, "It just wasn't the same without you."  However, spending Christmas with just my husband was so much fun and quite the learning experience. We had our own table top tree that we decorated with homemade ornaments (that we still hang every year) that we made together , a few lights and a few decorations.  We baked some favorite treats and just enjoyed sharing this holiday together, without anyone else. It was also at this time that we both learned about each other's implicit"family rules" from the families we grew up in.  I came from a very middle-class family that believed Christmas was a time of magic and gifts were not always practical, but things that we wouldn't normally get throughout the year.  Our stockings were, what I referred to as, the creme de la creme.  My husband came from another very middle-class family where his father made all the income in the first four months of the year and his mother made it stretch to the end of the year.  Christmas was, for the most part, not that big of a deal, and VERY practical.  In fact, stockings contained things like deordarant, socks, toothpaste, toothbrush and an orange. We still get a chuckle when we think of our first Christmas together and the gifts we gave.  I purchased a new, up to date coat for him (his old one was just fine, but I felt he "needed" a newer one), a stuffed teddy bear, some fun toys, and some tools (okay, a little practical, but they were his tools, not his dad's).  He purchased for me hair clippers so that I could cut his hair, a rolling pin, and other very practical and everyday things.  I think I did get some perfume, though.  Needless to say, it was fun to celebrate together, but very enlightening as well, making for some great conversation and learning. 

In Genesis 2:24 it states, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."  Cleaving means that we remain attached, devoted, and faithful to one another.  When married couples are to establish their relationship first and foremost, confiding and sharing only with one another, keeping it "inside the fence".  Only in extreme cases of abuse should this be broken.  By cleaving to each other, a marriage will grow in trust, confidence and stability while love is constantly growing.  It is extremely important for a couple to establish their own identity and traditions, deciding early on how to incorporate spending time with extended family, knowing that becoming enmeshed (having to spend all their time with) with their families of origin is not healthy for their own relationship.  Holiday traditions and special occasions can cause a bit of a quandary for newly married couples in deciding how and who (which family) they will spend time with.  It is imperative that couples establish their own traditions and identity in this regard from the start.  It is also extremely important that both sets of in-laws be supportive in this issue.  Elder Marvin J. Ashton has stated, “Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families realize their family role still continues, not in the realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or of imposition, but in love, concern and encouragement.” When parents are supportive of their newly married children, and demonstrate love and respect for their decisions, especially when it comes to spending time with their family of origin, often their children will feel this and, as a result, will most likely enjoy spending the time they have chosen with their parents and families.

I am now at this stage in my life.  I have one married daughter, a son-in-law and two grandchildren.  They started out living close until my son-in-law graduated, and now they live 15 hours away.  Although at times I am very sad to be so far, I am also so excited for them to be able to establish their own couple/family identity.  I know how important this is and because I, myself, have had great parents and in-laws that understood this principle so well. 

“Strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them.”  ¹  I know that this is a true principle. 

1.    Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.