Selfless vs. Unselfish Marriages

            Self-less vs. Selfish Marriages

            More often than not when I meet someone new and they learn that my husband and I have been married for 28 years, I am met with looks of amazement.  For me, 28 years means that I am still in the newlywed stage, compared to eternity, but to others 28 years IS an eternity and something that fewer and fewer people can claim.  Why is that?  What has happened to the institution of marriage throughout the world? 

            So many of the common trends when it comes to marriage point to the fact that society, as a whole, views marriage as an unimportant, unnecessary institution; one that can easily be disposed of at any time.   In fact marriage is rapidly slipping away in the once stable “Middle” America, which makes up almost 60% of the population.  Cohabitation has become more and more “normal” and having a child out of wedlock is ever increasing.  In the 1980’s the divorce rate skyrocketed because obtaining a no-fault divorce was extremely easy. ¹ There has become an attitude of great selfishness in society, especially when it comes to marriage.  The Apostle Paul spoke of our day when he said, “ This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; (2 Timothy 3:1-4).  Sadly, this is exactly what is happening. 

     Marriage has become a “what’s in it for me” contract.  When an individual’s needs aren’t met, when a couple falls out of love, or when the first real struggle comes along, more often than not, the marriage will crumble and the couple will end up going their separate ways.  Unfortunately, this only causes more heartache and sadness, especially when children are part of the equation.

            Marriage is a divine institution.  In The Family: A Proclamation to the world it states:  Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and…the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” ² God has instituted marriage from the very beginning of time.  Why? Quite simply so that we could obtain true happiness in this life as well as in the life to come.  That doesn’t mean that marriage will be a piece of cake from the moment you join together.  On the contrary.  Marriage is hard work, hard unselfish work.  The Proclamation further states, “Happiness in family life (married life) is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”²  This makes it quite clear: successful marriages and families are based on selflessness not selfishness.

            Everyday acts of love and selflessness are what make a marriage strong and lasting.  When a husband faces the world each day working hard to provide the necessities of life making sure his wife and family are taken care of the comes home and spends time catching up with their day when all he wants to do is rest.  When a wife does everything she can to make sure that her husband knows that she loves him and appreciates all he does for her and the family, making their home one that he looks forward coming home to.  When they each make the other feel that they are the most important things in their lives.  Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said that spouses should  “best friends, kind and considerate, sensitive to each other’s needs, always seeking to make each other happy.”³  When we follow this counsel there is no room for selfishness. 

            Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the entire day with my husband.  He was having out patient surgery, so I needed to be at his side all day, especially after it was done and while he recovered.  Our lives have become so extremely busy so for each of us to take the day “off”, so to speak wasn’t easy, but it was necessary.  At the end of the day we were sitting together and he looked over at me and told me that he really enjoyed spending time with me.  And, you know what, I love being with him, even if we are just sitting on the couch recovering from a long day.  He then thanked me.  I smiled, thinking that that was a funny thing to say.  After all, he is my number one priority in my life and I wouldn’t have given caring for him a second thought.  This is what marriage is all about.  This is what makes a marriage last.

            1. The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012; The National Marriage Project.

            2.  Hinckley, G.B, (Sept. 1995) https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

            3. Oaks, D.H. (May 2007). Divorce. Ensign.